Why do you want to work at this company?

My life presents few opportunities to feel in control. I toyed with the idea of self-harm, but then I remembered I could get paid to dream up arbitrary rules and enforce them with no real consistency.

What attracted you to this particular position?

You seem like an ineffective manager, and I’m confident I can exploit that.

What do you think will be the biggest challenge in this role?

Finding the time to project my failings onto others when it would almost always have been easier to just do the work properly and constructively in the first place.

Describe your approach to partner management.

The fact that I’m sitting here at all is testament to the revolving-door nature of both sales and purchasing positions. Seeing few opportunities for advancement among a team I had repeatedly betrayed, I happily sold out my last employer to look good in your eyes, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

How would you describe your management style?

Passive-agressive with a twist of unpredictably despotic.

We have an unusually high turnover of staff. How would you address this issue?

You have to break their spirit quickly. Once they develop hope, they are harder to control.

Describe an occasion when you encountered conflict in the workplace, and explain how you resolved the situation.

A co-worker used some of my almond milk without asking. I sent a SWAT team to his house at 5am.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

As an indispensable part of the organisation. Having inserted myself into every conceivable process, I’ll function as a speed-bump. Nothing will get done without me and precious little will get done with me, but I’ll be too powerful for anybody to get rid of.

What are your salary expectations?

More than is justified by my contribution, but not so much that I can’t conceivably resent those around me. This might seem like a fine line, but actually my wildly inflated sense of my own importance gives you quite a bit of leeway here.

Do you have any questions?

How long should one decently wait before cooking up a spurious HR complaint that results in no real action but which renders one essentially unfireable for all eternity?