I’m not going to apologise for it, but I will warn you that this post contains some unusually lurid language, paired with both religious imagery and Harmonia Mundi albums, so if you hold either of those things to be particularly sacred, you might want to give this one a miss. You’ve been warned.

Have you ever noticed how all the people in oil paintings look like assholes?

I really don’t see why you’re being so uptight about this. Your mother has needs too.

I said “get me some weed” not “get me a weed,” you dumb shit. You really are fucking useless, aren’t you? I don’t even know why I bothered having kids.

Christ. What an asshole.

How do you like my new axe? Yeah. Sure. As a personal influence, John Mayer’s certainly somebody I look up to, but musically I aspire to something a bit heavier, you know? Oh, hey. I bet you’ve never heard Stairway on a 15-string. Oh yeah. No. Wait. I’ll get it. Just…

No. No. Wait. Wait. You guys… I remember it now. You have to watch Dark Side of the Moon backwards while you listen to the Wizard of Oz forwards. That’s it. This time I’m sure. Hey. Are you going to share those brownies?

I’m 46 years old, wearing this stupid fucking hat and working in a theme park. I had a goddamn scholarship. A full ride. I was gonna be somebody. How did it go so wrong, so fast?

For fuck’s sake, Chardonnay. This is why we don’t take requests. If we have to do one more song with the words “Hey Nonny Nonny” in the title, I swear I’m gonna cut somebody.
This could go one of two ways.

Well, of course, a gentlemen doesn’t kiss and tell, so let’s just say that we had a delightful evening. If you know what I mean.

Fuck this. You guys can stay here if you like. I’m getting wasted. This place is dead anyways.



Post a comment
  1. Elysha #
    April 7, 2011

    Hilarious!!! And I of course love the John Mayer reference :).

  2. Collin Rae #
    April 7, 2011

    I certainly HOPE this series continues! =D I’d like to do a guest spot and choose some titles of my own!

  3. April 7, 2011

    Last one: “I don’t mind coming to watch a little harmless lap-dancing, but I WON’T stay for THAT sort of behaviour; it’s embarrassing for the llama.”

  4. anonymouswoodwind #
    April 7, 2011

    No. 9 has so many options. To quote “Daze and Confused” –
    “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

    • properdiscord #
      April 7, 2011

      That’s so much better than mine. You get some sort of prize.

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