I was poking around the WordPress dashboard today, and noticed that only about 10% of my readers have signed up to get new posts by email. That’s not really surprising: I’ve never really tried to get anybody to sign up. Given that it’s the best way to read my blog, I suppose I should put some effort in. Here’s why:

1) The posts will arrive fully formed in your inbox, a few seconds after I’ve posted them. Reading them is more fun than working, and nobody will know the difference unless you snort Diet Coke out of your nose while trying not to laugh.

2) You’ll get posts before they show up in Google Reader, giving you enough time to send a cease and desist before too many people see what I’ve written about you.

3) That also gives you a substantial window in which you can use my jokes as your own around the office and get away with it. If one of your co-workers later spots them on Proper Discord, you can say “That asshole! He’s always stealing my stuff”.

4) You won’t have to rely on my notoriously unreliable viral marketing.

5) You’ll only get emails when I post something, which tends to be about twice a week.

6) Emails always contain the full text of the post, so you can read them during your commute when you don’t have internet access. Unless you drive. That would be extremely dangerous.

7) You can unsubscribe whenever you like. The unsubscribe link is at the bottom of every message.

8) I won’t give your email address to anybody. Not even the Canadian Viagra people, no matter how nicely they ask.

9) You’ll feel much less like you’re missing something by not following me on Twitter, where I mostly just bicker with a bunch of publicists, James Rhodes and that guy from the Chicago Symphony.

10) You can read all my stuff without ever dealing with this ridiculous white-on-black design, which I’m told some people find hard to read, but which I can’t be bothered to change – partly because I can’t find any evidence that black-on-white text is inherently more readable, and partly because I suspect that changing it will just annoy a whole other bunch of people who like it that way.

The sign-up box is on the homepage. Do it. You know you want to.

If you’re one of the 10% of readers who already subscribes to email updates, then I apologize. Reading this was a total waste of your time. I promise not to do it again.